Oh the holidays . . . a time of year when we gather with our loved ones and are inevitably placed in situations where our past years accomplishments are viewed under a microscope. (I promise I am not a Grinch; just being real here.) The holidays and infertility each have their own struggles, so this time of year can be extra difficult for those facing infertility. Here are tips for talking about your infertility struggle with friends and family.
The Holidays and Infertility
For some, the holidays are a time of year that we look forward to because we love the chance to be reunited with our families and create new memories. For others, this is a time that is anxiety filled for fear of what may unfold when surrounded by family. This is especially true for people who are in a phase of life filled with struggle and heartache.
While no family is perfect, we all have a right to protect our privacy! Unfortunately, not all families understand this. Family dynamics play a huge role in how boundaries are respected.
Holidays and Infertility: Cultural and Family Dynamics
Coming from a Hispanic background, I can admit that my family tends to be in everyone’s business. Heck! If I am being completely honest, I myself can be very nosy when it comes to the lives of my family members.
But in my family, this is how we show our deepest love. It essentially comes down to the fact that we want to be there for each other; to encourage and support one another.
But I digress. My main point here is that the holidays are difficult for so many people; especially for those facing infertility. During this time of year, and at most family gatherings, my husband and I are inevitably faced with the topic of babies. I know we are not alone! If you are in the same situation, I hope this post can help you as you enter this busy holiday season.
When You Are Not Ready To Share Yet
It is very difficult to maintain a straight face when the words of a close family member can cause so much pain, but you can’t blame them because, in the end, it’s not their fault for not knowing your situation.
When we first started trying to conceive, we were not aware of my Endometriosis and Infertility diagnoses. We had been married for almost 2 years and decided to stop birth control measures. At that point, we had a very casual mentality. We were not necessarily trying to conceive, but we also were not preventing.
So when the questions began, our most honest answer was, “We are not rushing things, and just enjoying this time together.” We used that answer for about a year before we began to worry about our fertility status; which you can read about here.
It wasn’t until after our infertility diagnosis that the questions and comments started to hurt. But we held each other up and both agreed that we were not ready to tell our family or friends yet.
If you are in this situation, my biggest advice would be to come up with a response that you are comfortable with; something that easily diverts the conversation. For us, we liked to laugh it off and say, “What are you talking about?! We just got another dog!” This may not work for you though. What’s important is that you be comfortable with your answer.
Telling Your Family and Friends
After one year of being diagnosed with infertility, my husband and I finally started to consider telling our families about our struggle. We had reached a point where the comments were becoming too much, and I felt like we could benefit from them knowing.
Additionally, my Endometriosis symptoms and lifestyle changes were something that I felt like I could no longer hide. We just knew it was time.
Here are my top tips for opening up to your friends and family about your infertility struggle during the holidays.
1. Decide How Much Info You Are Willing To Share
Being open about infertility is obviously not an easy task. Before you start to be open about these intimate details, it’s important that you first decide how much information you are willing to share. Each relationship you hold is unique, and not everyone is ready to hear about the intimate details of your life. Likewise, you might not be ready to share everything at first.
For us, we were prepared to share everything with our immediate family (parents and siblings). But even to this day, there are people in my family who know more about our journey because they have read my blog.
Not to say that I won’t openly talk about it now. But it took me some time to feel comfortable enough to be transparent with everyone.
So how did we do it?
We made dinner plans with our parents/siblings. During dinner, I started the conversation by coming clean about why my diet had changed so drastically. I went into the details of my Endometriosis diagnosis and how it affects my overall health. This provided us with an easy transition into my infertility diagnosis.
On the other hand, when it came to telling friends, we stuck to a very simple and straight forward statement.
“We are seeking out help from a fertility specialist.”
This, frankly, tells them that you are having difficulty achieving pregnancy.
2. Make Your Wishes Clear
Many friends and family will want to be helpful, and will inevitably give you advice that may not be particularly helpful to you. Each of our infertility struggles is unique`1. But not everyone understands this.
The best thing for you to do right now is to follow the plan that you and your physician have agreed upon. To avoid the many suggestions that people will want to give you, be prepared to make your wishes clear.
“Thank you for wanting to help. At this point, we need to focus on what we have discussed with our fertility specialist.”
It’s important to also make it clear if you want your family or friends to ask you about your journey as it continues.
For me, the idea of having someone constantly ask about how we are doing was not appealing. It helps to keep it simple and matter of fact.
“It’s going to be a long and stressful process for us. It will really help if we don’t have any extra stress or pressure. So we will update you when we have something to tell.”
3. Be Prepared For Unexpected Reactions
Unfortunately, you might be presented with reactions that are unexpected. You might have a close friend who you expect will give you so much support. Instead, your conversation falls short.
Or you might open up to an acquaintance who you expect will keep it superficial in order to respect your privacy. But instead your met with the most comforting words you’ve heard yet.
Basically, you never know how someone will react and it’s important that you prepare yourself for this.
4. Lean on Your Partner For Support
No matter how the conversation ends, always turn to your partner for support. Because no matter what . . . this is your journey as a couple. No one else’s.
